Why Me
by Fireflyfantasy
Summary: During their second year Yamaguchi experience a trauma that he has a hard time recovering from. The story will follow him and Tsukishima to college where their relationship starts to change.
1. Why me

I do not own Haikyuu or it's characters. All contents of this story are pure fiction and for fun only. This story does contain mature sexual content and is not suitable for minors. First chapter contains explicit non-con.

As info if the text is _italicized_ it is a thought. In "quotes" is spoken word.

I hope you enjoy. If you don't, that's OK too, different strokes and whatnot :)

It was getting late and Karasuno had just solidified their place in the Nationals after playing a particularly nasty match against a team that played dirty.

Yamaguchi was flying high having played an integral part in his teams win. His Float serves had become very reliable and his control of the ball during his pinch serving was unmatched. The team was getting ready to have a quick meeting and then they just had to wait on their bus to get home and get some much needed rest.

Yamaguchi went looking for his mentor to thank him for the extra practice and see if he had any tips. Yamaguchi's serves had ended up scoring a total of 16 points between the 3 rounds played and while he felt good about it, it only averaged out to 5 points per game and he felt like it could have been more.

While looking for Shimada he turned down a dark hallway to take a shortcut through to the other side. About half way through the corridor he heard someone say "Hey, that's him."

Yamaguchi turned toward the voice only to be met with a fist. _What the hell._ Yamaguchi hit the floor and he was struggling to get back up when he heard someone else say "what are you doing dumbass. We can't just beat him up in the hall. Drag him into that equipment room." Yamaguchi started to get up and say something or shout for help when he was kicked in the stomach hard enough to knock the wind out of him. He was then dragged into a room, hearing the door latch behind him.

The room was dark and he couldn't see, but he could make out voices for at least 4 different guys. One said "You're the reason we lost today you little bastard." This came before anther punch. _What do I do._ Yamaguchi had never been in a real fight. He had been bullied some before Tsukki, but that was kid stuff. He had never been beaten up and definitely not by 4 guys who were all bigger than him.

The beating seemed to go on forever, everything hurt. All four guys were slowing down now with the punches kicks and name calling. "Faggot" had been the most amusing. They probably didn't even realize Yamaguchi was actually gay. Not that he had ever acted on it.

He was in love with Tsukki, a very straight, has a girlfriend Tsukki. While this went through his head he realized they had stopped and hoped they would leave so he could crawl out of the room and find some help.

Much to his horror he heard one of them say "I'm not done yet. Let's fuck him." _God no, someone please help me._ This resulted in a brief argument.

"Do what you want, but I am not queer."

"Dude just do it. A hole is a hole. It's dark. Pretend it's a fuckin girl."

"That's just nasty."

"Look, you're the one that wanted to fuck him up. Can you think of anything that will do that more that getting fucked by a bunch of random guys."

"Pssh he'll probably like it, but yeah OK whatever. This shit never leaves this room."

"Of course not dumbass, we could go to jail."

Yamaguchi felt them grab his shorts and pull them and his underwear down. Now more than before he wanted to scream. He opened his mouth to do so and had a sock shove in it. His own dirty sock. He felt himself beginning to cry again as they shoved into a position that worked for them and the first guy started trying to breach his virgin entrance.

"Shit, it's to tight. This is nothing like a girl."

"Just shove, it'll go. You just have to force it. Spit on it or something."

Yamaguchi felt the pressure ease and then he heard and felt the guy spit on him. He wanted to vomit. Then the pressure was back. After what felt like forever but was really only seconds the bastard breached his hole and Yamaguchi thought he would die. He screamed which was muffled by the sock. He felt like he was being split in two. He threw up from the pain and realized he was going to suffocate on it because of the sock and as the darkness came over him, he didn't even care.

"Hey! You don't get to sleep through this you little bitch." Someone was screaming at him and had slapped him. Someone had already removed the sock, apparently realizing he had thrown up. Pity _, I really was hoping I would die._

"Open up we're going to see if that mouth is good for something other than puking. Bite me and I'll break your fucking jaw." With that he shoved his erection into Yamaguchi's mouth and proceeded to fuck his mouth not caring that he was gagging and having trouble breathing. When he finished he held Yamaguchi's mouth closed forcing him to swallow. He was immediately replaced by someone else.

He vaguely realized that someone else was behind him as well and that none of them were using condoms. He realized he didn't even care. He felt numb. He felt filthy. He wanted to die.

The whole encounter only took about 45 minutes, these were high school boys after all, but to Yamaguchi it felt like hours. They left him on the floor broken and bleeding, praying to just die.

Meanwhile the teams meeting had wrapped and their bus was loaded. Coach Ukai asked "Will someone go find Yamaguchi, I excused him from the meeting so he could go talk to Shimada, but he should have been back by now."

"I'll go find him." Tsukishima volunteered.

 _Where the hell is he. Shimada said he never saw him..._ Tsukishima was now running down hallways looking for Yamaguchi.

He had already checked the bathrooms and knew Shimada was now looking for him as well. He turned down a dark corridor and slowed his movements to keep from running into anything. If he hadn't slowed down he may not have heard the broken sobs coming from behind the closed door of what looked like a utility room. He reached out and opened the door.

The sobs were louder, but he couldn't see anything. He heard the voices of Shimada and Takeda Sensei approaching "Tsukishima did you find him?"

Tsukishima reached up to turn on the light and when it came on he saw that he had found Yamaguchi. "Yamaguchi?...What?...Who?" was all he got out before he turned and dropped to his knees vomiting in the hallway.

"Tsukishima?.." Tekeda Sensei broke into a run and when he reached the room, upon seeing the reason for his students distress he did his best to go into teacher/adult mode despite being heavily shaken himself.

Yamaguchi just curled in on himself even more listening to Sensei's shouts for an ambulance. _Why me? Why Tsukki? Of all the people to find me and see me like this, why him. Please just let me die._


	2. I am a masochist

I do not own Haikyuu or it's characters. All contents of this story are pure fiction and for fun only. This story does contain mature sexual content and is not suitable for minors. First chapter contains explicit non-con.

As info if the text is _italicized_ it is a thought. In "quotes" is spoken word.

I hope you enjoy. If you don't, that's OK too, different strokes and whatnot :)

 _I'm a masochist. I am sharing a dorm with my best friend. I am sharing a dorm with my best friend that I am in love with. I am sharing a dorm with my straight best friend that I am in love with. I am a Masochist._ Yamaguchi glanced at said best friend and bit his lip to keep from sighing before quickly shifting his gaze back to the bag he was unpacking.

Yamaguchi let his thoughts drift back over the past year and the events that had led him to this point. Karasuno had gone on to win Nationals without him. They said they did it for him, but it didn't change the fact that they didn't need him. In fact he was still in the hospital when Nationals started. When the next season started Yamaguchi didn't play. He didn't want anything to do with volleyball. He really didn't want anything to do with, well, anything.

However his friends constantly pestered him to do stuff with them and when Yachi quit as manager he took over her duties because Tsukki asked him to. He couldn't tell Tsukki no. Tsukki was the only thing that had slowly dragged him out of the pit of despair he had been in. He still had some really bad days, some where he wished he just wasn't here anymore, but most of the time he was OK with still being around.

Tsukki had been great after what had happened. And annoyingly, so had his girlfriend. The second one had too. The third one, not so much. She was a total cunt. She ended up calling Yamaguchi a clingy Tsukki fan boy who needed to get a life and find someone other than Tsukki to drool over. She was right, but Tsukishima had told her to fuck off, which was nice.

Then there was girlfriend number four who tolerated Yamaguchi only because she knew of number three's fate. He broke up with number four when they had graduated because they were going to different schools and long distance was just more effort than he was willing to put into a relationship at this point in his life. Yeah he told her that.

"Hey, space cadet. I don't know what you are doing over there, but since it's not unpacking, you'll have to finish that later. We have a team meeting and we can't be late for our first one."

"Oh right. Sorry Tsukki." Which brings us to the present. Somehow Yamaguchi had ended up not just going to the same college as Tsukishima, but also managing the colleges volleyball team which allowed him to stay in the athletic dorms and room with Tsukki.

 _I know that Tsukki pulled string for the whole thing as part of his scholarship deal and I am glad he did. Rooming with a random guy I don't know would be terrifying, but it is still embarrassing._

Later that night Yamaguchi stayed up late reading. When Tsukishima told him he needed to get some sleep because tomorrow was the first day of classes he blew it off saying he wanted to get ahead on the readings because he had some tough classes.

Tsukishima rolled over and went to sleep telling him to make sure he turned off the light.

At some point in the night Tsukishima woke up with a start. Unsure what woke him he laid there adjusting to his unfamiliar surroundings.

 _Right, the dorm. The light is on, is he still studying._ Tsukishima glanced toward Yamaguchi and saw he appeared to be asleep, facing the wall. He was still in his clothes from that day and his book had slid off into the floor.

Tsukishima grumbled and got up to retrieve the book from the floor and turn off the light. As he got closer to Yamaguchi he realized that he was moaning. _Shit is he having a wet dream? Weird._

He leaned in closer and peered over his should and saw tears streaming down his face. Yamaguchi looked like he was in pain. His lips parted and he whispered "please just stop," as more tears fell. _Not a wet dream moron, a nightmare. Of course he has nightmares. Who wouldn't after what that bastard did to him?_

Tsukishima was at a loss for what to do. _Do I wake him up? What do you do when someone is having a nightmare?_

Tsukishima started to lean in and wake him up when Yamaguchi spoke in his sleep again "why can't I just die?"

Tsukishima felt his heart break upon hearing this from his childhood friend. _I knew that he was in pain. I knew that he was in a dark place after that happened. I never knew he wanted to die. I don't...I can't...What would I do without that idiot? How do you make someone who has lived through that want to live?_

While thinking Tsukishima had absently started running his fingers through Yamaguchi's hair. He didn't notice until he heard his name whispered and a heavy sigh as his friend slipped into what seemed to be a restful sleep.

Tsukishima on the other hand did not sleep restfully and wouldn't for awhile.


	3. I am so stupid

I do not own Haikyuu or it's characters. All contents of this story are pure fiction and for fun only. This story does contain mature sexual content and is not suitable for minors. First chapter contains explicit non-con.

As info if the text is _italicized_ it is a thought. In "quotes" is spoken word.

I hope you enjoy. If you don't, that's OK too, different strokes and whatnot :)

A month. That's how long it had been since Tsukishima had heard his friends nightmarish confession. He hadn't gotten a decent night's sleep since. To be fair neither of them had. Turns out Yamaguchi had those nightmare's every night.

Tsukishima had not been able to bring himself to mention it. In his defense how do you approach something like that. _Fuck, this is ridiculous. Should I tell his parents. I mean he seems fine during the day. I feel more stressed than he seems. And I have got to get some sleep. I need to get laid._

Tsukishima fired off a quick text to Yamaguchi: **What are you doing this evening?**

 **Library. I have a test tomorrow.**

 **K. Later.**

 _Perfect. That should give me plenty of time._

Later that evening Yamaguchi was on his way back to his room. _Stupid. Fumigating the library. WTF. I need to study. The dorms are too loud._

He reached his floor and started toward his room. _Weird, why is their a sock on our door knob._ Shrugging he removed the sock and inserted his key and walked in and froze.

His brain was short circuiting and he finally registered that yes, Tsukki was having sex with some girl in their dorm room. Totally naked no covers.

"What the fuck? Get out." Came the shrill scream of the woman under Tsukishima.

Tsukishima turned around and saw Yamaguchi standing there frozen "Shit Yamaguchi."

 _Move feet. Just move._ "Tsukki...I"

He was cut off by the shrew who this time launched a shoe at him. "Are you fucking retarded or something. Get the fuck out."

Yamaguchi turned and ran shouting "I'm so sorry Tsukki." as he fled.

Meanwhile in the dorm Tsukishima was jumping around grabbing clothes.

"Hey. The little nuisance is gone now come back over here and finish fucking me Tsukki."

"What?! No! And who the hell said you could call me that." Tsukishima tossed her clothes at her, he had already forgotten her name anyway, "get dressed and get the fuck out of my room."

"Are you fucking kidding me. Do you know how many guys would love to have a piece of this?"

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, yes she was hot, but then she opened her mouth and ruined it. "Then feel free to give them a piece just don't do it in my room." With that he pushed her out into the hall as he finish pulling on his shoes.

She flipped him off and yelled some more trash but he didn't care. _Where would he go. Library? Why had he left the library so early anyway._

Tsukishima ran across campus to the Library and found it locked. There was a sign hanging up that read closed for fumigation. _Shit the library was closed and I took away his safe place to come back to. I feel like a dick. Where else would he go?_

Tsukishima turned around and ran back toward the athletic dorms and then passed them to the gym. He found Yamaguchi there sitting against a wall bouncing his head off a volleyball.

Tsukishima slid down the wall and sat next to him. When he did Yamaguchi glanced at him sideways and whispered "sorry Tsukki."

"Don't apologize you didn't do anything wrong."

"I'm s-s-so st-stupid." He sobbed

 _Shit he's so fragile. It should be really fucking annoying, but it's not...I just want to hug him and protect him from everything. I feel like his fucking Mom._

"You're an idiot, but your not stupid." Tsukishima said as he looped his are around Yamaguchi's neck and pulled him into a hug.

"Tsukki, that doesn't make any sense."

"Yes it does. Stop talking."

Yamaguchi did as he was told for a minute and the he quietly said "I'm fine. Um, I can hang out here if you want to go finish...you know."

Tsukishima laughed "That's OK. I told her to get the fuck out."

"...why?"

"Are you serious? The bitch called you retarded and threw a shoe at you." Tsukishima stared at his friend in disbelief. "You don't seriously think I was going to give her an orgasm after that do you?"

Yamaguchi's eyes got big and his face turned bright red and then he busted out laughing. "I can't believe you just said that. Confident much?"

"Oh absolutely." Tsukishima winked at his friend before standing and offering his hand to help him off the floor. "Come on lets go see if the cafeteria is still open. Tossing bitches out on their ass makes me hungry."

This just made Yamaguchi laugh more as he followed his friend to the cafeteria.


	4. I am so tired of being scared

I do not own Haikyuu or it's characters. All contents of this story are pure fiction and for fun only. This story does contain mature sexual content and is not suitable for minors. First chapter contains explicit non-con.

As info if the text is _italicized_ it is a thought. In "quotes" is spoken word.

I hope you enjoy. If you don't, that's OK too, different strokes and whatnot :)

Two more weeks of not sleeping and Tsukishima was at his wits end. Tonight he had decided he was going to have a movie marathon and not even bother trying to sleep. _Fuck it tomorrow is Saturday anyway. Maybe I will slip into an exhausted sleep._

He had his laptop set up with his Crunchy Roll account loaded up trying to figure out what to watch. _Not mecha, that shits stupid, not romance, that shit makes me want to barf, not sports anime, everyone in those is gay, fuck it I'll re-watch Attack on Titans season one because they are never going to release season 2._

Yamaguchi came in as the opening credits were starting. "Holy crap! Is that season two."

Tsukishima rolled his eyes "Of course not, but what else am I going to watch."

Yamaguchi thought _sport anime, everyone in those is gay._ Of course he knew that was exactly why Tsukishima wasn't going to watch it.

Tsukishima scooted and patted the bed next to him "may as well watch with me."

Yamaguchi eyed the spot warily but finally relented and crawled onto the small bed next to Tsukishima.

Within 15 minutes Yamaguchi was asleep.

Tsukishima leaned over him and set the laptop up on the nightstand so he could lay on his side and watch, giving Yamaguchi more room to sleep. The bed was way too small for two full grown men, especially one as tall as Tsukishima.

Light coming in through the windows woke Tsukishima. Blinking his eyes and trying to wake up he became aware of several things at once. One he had slept like a baby for the first time in a long time. Two his laptop had died at some point in the night. And three he was warm, very warm, thanks to a very lanky Yamaguchi being wrapped around him like a spider monkey.

 _Shit this could not possibly be more awkward. How the hell am I supposed to get up without waking him up. And I know him, he'll be mortified._ At the same time though Tsukishima realized Yamaguchi had slept all night long without having a single nightmare.

He slowly began to extract himself from Yamaguchi's grip and only once the smaller man was no longer holding him did he shake him gently to wake him. "Yamaguchi."

"Hummm Tsukki?" Yamaguchi opened his eyes realized where he was and immediately panicked and fell backward smacking his head on the nightstand.

"Shit. Yamaguchi. Are you all right?" While asking Tsukishima reached out to pull Yamaguchi's head forward to check for swelling or bleeding. When he did Yamaguchi immediately stiffened and backed him self across the room and into his own bed. Where he sat frozen staring at Tsukishima.

Tsukishima blinked and looked bewildered at his friend, replaying what he had done. He looked down at how he was sitting and it dawned on him that he had tried to pull Yamaguchi's head in between his legs. _Shit._

Tsukishima got down in the floor and approached Yamaguchi "Yamaguchi, I would never hurt you. You have to know that...Don't you?"

Yamaguchi looked ashamed "I know Tsukki, I'm sorry, I just..."

"You were still sleepy and I did something that scared you. I should be apologizing."

"No. You shouldn't. I'm so tired of being scared." The last part was whispered and Tsukishima was surprised to even hear it.

"Yamaguchi"

"Hey I'm hungry. It's almost 9. I want to get to the cafeteria before they stop serving breakfast. I am going to shower." And with that Yamaguchi fled the room.

Tsukishima couldn't decide whether he was relieved or frustrated. He wanted Yamaguchi to open up to him, but he sucked at thing like talking and feelings and stuff.

After two weeks of Yamaguchi falling asleep in Tsukishima's bed every night watching movies, Yamaguchi came home one day to find their room rearranged.

"Um Tsukki?"

"Look Yamaguchi. My bed is too small for both of us. We both sleep better when we sleep together. I'm fine with that and I am tired of trying to pretend to watch movies every night just so we can sleep. I pushed the beds together, I bought a double mattress pad and sheet set. Can we just go to sleep?"

Yamaguchi was surprised but he just smiled and shook his head. "Sure Tsukki." _So Tsukki knows about my nightmares and they have been keeping him from sleeping too. Crap._

Of course sleeping in the bed with the man you're in love with had an entirely different set of complications which Yamaguchi first experienced a few weeks after Tsukki pushed their beds together.

 _Why am I getting hard? Why is he holding me? Do we usually wake up like this?_ Tsukishima was always awake before Yamaguchi, but this morning it was different. Yamaguchi had found himself awake so early it was still mostly dark out.

 _Does Tsukki usually un-tangle us before I wake up? How embarrassing?_ Yamaguchi could only imagine how he would unconsciously wrap himself around Tsukishima. This was different through. Tsukishima was spooned around him. His breathe was hot on Yamaguchi's ear and his arm was not wrapped around his waist, but was instead draped along his side so that it was brushing his bottom.

And Yamaguchi was not afraid he was turned on. Very turned on. This was the first time he had gotten and erection since what had happened. He knew that he shouldn't do anything, he should get out of bed and go take a cold shower, but he wanted to touch himself. _Maybe he will sleep through it._

With that thought he slipped the arm that was under him into his waistband and began to stroke himself. He shoved his other hand into his mouth to bite his knuckle to try and keep quiet.

Tsukishima woke slowly as he did every morning and before moving took stock of his surroundings. He quickly realized that this morning he was not the first one awake.

He just laid there and watched as Yamaguchi gave himself a hand job. Too late Tsukishima realized he was getting hard and that Yamaguchi would feel that.

Yamaguchi froze and whispered "Tsukki?"

Tsukishima sighed as Yamaguchi started to curl in on himself obviously mortified at having been caught. Tsukishima decided he wasn't having it. He pushed Yamaguchi onto his back and reached into the nightstand. After pouting some lube in his hand he pulled Yamaguchi's chin up "look at me."

Once he had his attention he said "If you don't like it tell me to stop. If you're scared, tell me to stop. If you just don't want it from me tell me to stop."

Yamaguchi's brain was short circuiting but he managed to nod having no idea what he was agreeing to, but he trusted Tsukki to stop if he said.

Tsukishima pushed his hand into Yamaguchi's sleep pants and wrapped his hand around Yamaguchi's hard dick. He started to stroke it like he would he own and felt Yamaguchi's hands twist in his shirt and his face bury in his neck.

 _I can't believe I am giving a guy a hand job. I can't believe I am this turned on by it. Not just any guy, Yamaguchi. God, it's because it's him. I've always thought he was adorable. At some point adorable became beautiful. Dammit. I am so screwed._

"Shit Tsukki!" Yamaguchi cried out against his neck as he came in his hand. Tsukishima continued to hold him as he road out his orgasm.

When he was done Tsukishima reluctantly let him go and as he predicted he would Yamaguchi scurried to sit up against the headboard with his knees pulled up and his arms around them.

Tsukishima sat up against the other wall to give him some space and looked at him. _His face is red, but he looks embarrassed, not scared. That's something at least._

"Um are you...I mean...what about...you know..." Yamaguchi was gesturing at the tent in Tsukishima's pants.

Tsukishima gave him a wry smile. "Nothing a little cold shower won't take care of."

"I want to watch" Yamaguchi blurted before quickly covering his mouth.

Tsukishima raised an eyebrow, "You want to watch me take a cold shower."

Yamaguchi let out an exasperated sigh, "No I want to watch you touch yourself." the sentence ended in a whisper, but Tsukishima heard it and groaned. _He is going to be the death of me._

Out loud he said "This is my favorite shirt. Can I take it off so I don't get anything on it?"

Yamaguchi started to give him a hard time before he realized it was a shirt that he had given him, instead he smiled and nodded his head.

Tsukishima awkwardly used his one unsoiled hand to pull the shirt off and then slipped his sleep pants down passed his erection. He wrapped his hand around the heated flesh and moaned.

Yamaguchi stared at his hand moving across his hard dick. Tsukki was bigger than he had imagined, not that he had imagined. OK yes he had imagined. And as he watched he heard Tsukishima moan his name and he also realized that he was using Yamaguchi's cum as lubricant. When this occurred to him his face flamed and he was afraid he might pass out or get a nose bleed.

"Yamaguchi." As Tsukishima moaned his name Yamaguchi looked up to find Tsukishima was staring at him. He locked onto his gaze and held it as Tsukishima came.

Tsukishima sat in disbelief, _all of the sex that I have had and my most satisfying orgasm was a hand job staring into the eyes of my childhood friend. I am so fucked._

Out loud he said "So...what now."


	5. I am a train wreck

It had been 2 months since that first hand job the two had shared and they were becoming a frequent thing. Tsukishima also no longer bothered to untangle their bodies if he was the first to wake. He liked the slight blush on Yamaguchi's face when he would realize how much he clung to the taller man. He liked the way Yamaguchi would bury his face in Tsukishima's shirt and mumble "sorry Tsukki." He liked the way the blush would grow when he worked his hand against Yamaguchi's erection. He liked the moans that slipped from his mouth as he worked him to a frenzy and he really liked how Yamaguchi always moaned "Tsukki" when he came.

What Tsukishima didn't like was the total lack of progress in their relationship. Both physically and emotionally. He had never even kissed Yamaguchi. He didn't expect full blown sex. He could completely understand the lack of that, but every time he had leaned in to kiss him, Yamaguchi would turn his head so Tsukishima ended up kissing his cheek. And they never talked about what they did. Outside of their bed Yamaguchi acted as though nothing had changed. Like Tsukishima was still just his best friend.

Two weeks after that first hand job and after they had shared at least three more the two of them had been in the schools cafe area when Yamaguchi mention a girl who had been staring at Tsukishima. He said "She seems interested in you, don't you have a couple of classes with her?" Tsukishima had mumbled an affirmative and Yamaguchi had said "She's cute, you should ask her out." Tsukishima had been shocked and had just stared at his friend. When he finally responded he said "what the fuck is wrong with you." In hindsight, not the best response. Yamaguchi's face had fallen and he had run off.

They had recovered from the incident, but it made Tsukishima realize that Yamaguchi's self esteem was shit. This morning he was determined to change at least some aspect of their relationship. He was the first one awake the second time they woke up. It was Sunday so there was no practice. They had both been awakened briefly at their body's normal wake-up time and had to go to the bathroom and take a piss. Having taken care of that they both quickly fell back asleep. There had been a tournament Saturday and they were exhausted. The second time Tsukishima woke up he was sprawled out half on top of Yamaguchi. This left the smaller male perfectly spread out on his back.

Tsukishima took a minute to just stare at him. The clothes he was wearing swallowed him which was disappointing. That was another thing Tsukishima didn't like. Yamaguchi always wore those ridiculous too big sweatshirts. He had not seen him without a shirt since before the incident. Before Yamaguchi changed with everyone else in the locker rooms, but Tsukishima was sure that in the past year and a half his body would have changed some. He wanted to at least see him. Even if his body hadn't changed, Tsukishima knew he would see him differently now. As a lover, not a friend.

Tsukishima hardened his resolve and moved down the bed. He pushed down on Yamaguchi's sleep pants enough to pull out his flaccid cock and he took an experimental lick. He licked again and then slipped his mouth over the head and began a slow suction. Yamaguchi started to get hard and he started moving around because he was waking up. He was fully hard before he was awake enough to comprehend that he was not dreaming. He moaned deep while tugging a fistful of blonde locks "Tsukki s-st-stop."

Tsukishima didn't stop. He applied more suction and did everything he could remember having had done to him that he enjoyed. Yamaguchi's voice was alternating between tortured moans and reasons Tsukishima shouldn't continue "T-tsu-tsukki ah um ah Tsukki...please...you...y-you sh-sh-shouldn't do that...s'dirty...mmm...ah...Tsukki...you have to...oh god...Tsukki stop!" On the last cry he shot into Tsukishima's mouth. Tsukishima almost choked, but he swallowed and continued to suck as Yamaguchi came down from his orgasm. Tsukishima crawled up and stared down into Yamaguchi's dazed eyes "Tsukki, why would you do that? Why?" The last was a broken, choked sob.

Tsukishima sighed "I love you Tadashi."

And with that Yamaguchi fled.

Tsukishima was worried when Yamaguchi didn't come home that night. He had sent a ridiculous number of texts to him throughout the day and all had gone unanswered. He had also tried calling, but it had gone to voice mail. He ended up sleeping with his phone in his hand. He was afraid Yamaguchi would call and he would miss it. The next morning Yamaguchi was not at practice either. He went to the room he knew Yamaguchi had his first class in and became even more panicked when he did not show up for that either. _Yamaguchi doesn't ditch classes. Shit where could he be._

Tsukishima was late for his first class and considered skipping his second, but he had a test. When the test was over he left class and check his phone. It was dead. He was heading back to his room to charge it when one of his professors stopped him. "Mr. Tsukishima I am glad I ran into you, I was wondering if you might have a minute to discuss the paper you did for class."

"I'm sorry Dr. Yamazaki. I am really in a hurry. Can I come by your office later?"

"It will only take a minute and I think you will find the discussion very beneficial to your future, I have a lot of connections and I think I can get you an internship at the local museum if your interested."

 _Shit_ "That would be amazing. Lead the way."

A few minutes turned into forty five, but Tsukishima now had an interview with a curator at the local museum. The internship would be incredible, but he couldn't even celebrate. He was too worried about Yamaguchi. Even more so when he got back to their room and he saw that he still had not been there.

Tsukishima plugged in his phone and watched as it came to life. It seemed to take for ever. Then he got a lifeline, a message, from Yamaguchi.

 **I have some things that I need to tell you, but I need to do so on my terms, where I am comfortable. If you meant what you said yesterday, meet me at the address below at Noon.**

Tsukishima looked at the address that followed and then looked at the time 11:52. _Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck! That's on the other side of town. I'll never make it, not even close. I couldn't make it to the cafe by Noon._ He tried to call Yamaguchi but there was no answer. He dropped the phone and ran. He made it to the station outside the school in record time and was thankful for the lack of people on the platform. He made the 12:00 train just barely. He got off at the stop he needed and ran to the street indicated in the address he had memorized. He searched for the building and when he found it noted that it looked like an office building. When he went inside he gave the front desk the address he needed and said he was supposed to meet a friend. They gave him directions and he took the elevator up and stepped off into a waiting area.

An elderly receptionist with a stern face looked up "Can I help you sir?"

"Tsukishima Kei. I was supposed to meet someone here." He was completely out of breath from all the running, but as he bent over to brace himself on his knees he caught the softening of woman's expression. "So you're Tsukki. Glad you made it, but your late." He didn't realize she had come closer until she bonked him on the head. He didn't even get a chance to say anything before she continued "I'll let them know your here."

She walked back to her desk and picked up a phone and announced his arrival "you may go in now."

He walked over to the office door and opened it. Upon doing so he noticed two things at once. First that there was a middle aged woman with glasses sitting at a desk with a name plate that read Dr. Mitsuoka. And second he noticed Yamaguchi who was to the side blocked by the door so Tsukishima did not see him until he was all the way inside. Yamaguchi had been crying, a lot. His face was tear stained and blotchy and somehow he looked smaller that Tsukishima had ever seen him look before. He also was intently focused on the floor. "Yamaguchi, I'm sorry. I slept with my phone last night because I didn't want to miss it if you called. I didn't know it was dead until after I got out of a meeting with Dr. Yamazaki. I didn't get your message until almost Noon. I..."

Dr. Mitsuoka spoke "You're here now. Why don't you have a seat. I am and I am Yamaguchi Psychiatrist. It is nice to finally get to meet you. I have heard a great deal about you."

 _Psychiatrist, not psychologist, not therapist, PSYCHIATRIST. Hard core mental assistance. The kind that prescribes drugs and can make recommendations to have you locked up._

Tsukishima was pulled out of his rambling thoughts when Yamaguchi finally spoke, his voice was shaky, but he was no longer crying "Thanks for coming."

"Yamaguchi I..."

"Please don't say anything. I have a lot of stuff that I need to tell you and I need you to just listen because if you interrupt me I may not be able to make it through. And unless I tell you, this thing with us is not going to work. If you meant what you said yesterday, you need to know everything and once you do if you change your mind, I'll understand."

"Yamagu"

"I said no talking."

Tsukishima nodded his head to indicate Yamaguchi should continue.

Yamaguchi took a deep breath and started "So, from the beginning then. Early on you and some others made comments about the bastard that raped me and how I should press charges against the guy and he should pay for what he did. Well, my parents and Dr. Mitsuoka are the only ones that know this, but... it wasn't one guy. There were four of them. They beat me up and then they took turns raping me." Yamaguchi had to pause for a second as fresh tears had started rolling down his cheeks. He was looking everywhere but Tsukishima, fearing he would see disgust on his face. "They used my mouth too. I wanted to die. Sometimes I still want to die, but I take anti-depressants now and they help a lot. When I first came home from the hospital though I was not on anything. The hospital had encouraged my parents to have me see a therapist, but they were afraid of what Dad's business partners would think so they refused the offered referrals."

"The first night home the pain was overwhelming, both mentally and at that point I was still in a lot of physical pain. My parents were downstairs making dinner and I just remember wanting the pain to stop. So I took the entire bottle of painkillers that the hospital sent home with me. Then I panicked that those would not be enough and I went to my parents room and got into their bathroom and took some of my Dad's heart medication. It was really stupid because my Mom found me almost immediately. I was fading out of consciousness when I heard her screaming. I woke up back in the hospital."

"The second time was two months after it happened. My parents were going out of town because my Grandfather on my Dad's side was dying. Dad wanted to say goodbye. I had gotten really good at faking being OK around them and I convinced them that I shouldn't miss anymore school. They really thought it was fine to just leave me. I waited until they had left and even waited to make sure they were not turning around because they missed anything. Once I knew they would not be coming back because if they did they would miss their flight, I slit my wrists. I did it right too. I made sure I would die." As he said this he pulled back the sleeves of his ridiculous sweatshirt and Tsukishima saw the ugly vertical scars running up both wrists. From the base of his hand to about two inches above it. _Oh my god. He should be dead. How is he still here? How do I still have him in my life? How did I not know any of this?_

Tsukishima felt tears rolling down his own face as Yamaguchi continued "Their flight had been canceled and they had been scheduled on a later one. Dad wanted to wait at the airport, but since they hadn't checked their bags yet Mom wanted to go home and come back. By the time I had finally decided to do it because I thought I had waited long enough it turns out I had waited to long. They were almost back home. I was unconscious when they found me that time. I barely made it and had to have a lot of blood. My Dad didn't get to say goodbye to his Father. He didn't even get to attend the funeral. He was too busy having to deal with his fucked up son."

"After that they checked me into a metal facility. I spent two weeks there and it did help. I met some other people who also had some serious issues. When I was released, I started seeing Dr. Mituoka four times a week as part of my outpatient therapy. Now I am down to twice a week. The last couple of months, most of our sessions have revolved around you."

"I have been in love with you for as long as I can remember, but you were always this unattainable dream. I was OK with that. You were my friend and that was enough. I think the worst part of that first year was having you pity me. When we moved in together I felt like things were going back to normal. You were the untouchable pussy magnet Tsukishima Kei and I was your gay best friend who followed you around like a puppy. Then you touched me in a way you never had before and you kept touching me and I told myself that this, what you were doing for me, was the worst kind of pity. And I was the lowest form of scum for accepting it every time."

"Yesterday you shattered all of my illusions of what our relationship was and..." Yamaguchi's breathe hitched as he started to cry again "damn you, you gave me something I haven't had in years. You gave me hope. Hope that I wasn't dirty. Hope that I wasn't worthless. Hope that someone could love me." That last sentence was said in a whisper.

"I need you to know that I am a train wreck. And sometimes I have good days, but sometimes I have really dark days, days where I struggle to get out of bed and I wonder what the point of all of it is. I also need you to understand that I don't know if I will ever be capable of having anal sex. I know there are other things we can do, but you deserve to be with someone who can give you everything and I'm not sure that I will ever be able to. So I need you to take everything that I told you and think about it. I'll give you some space. Hinata said I could stay with them as long as I needed to so"

Yamaguchi was cut off with a squeak when he was yanked up out of the chair and into Tsukishima's arms. "Like hell. I am taking you home."

"Tsukki...are you crying?"

"Of course I am crying. Tch sometimes you are so stupid it hurts."

"Sorry Tsukki...I"

"No you shut up. Now it's my turn to talk. Yamaguchi Tadashi you have been my best friend for as long as I can remember. I can't pinpoint the day, hour, minute that those feelings changed but you are my whole world. I'm not letting you go. Not for another second." Now they were both crying, Tsukishima whispered "I can't believe I almost lost you and I didn't even know it."

One of Tsukishima's thumbs was tracing over the scar on one of his wrists. It felt surreal and in a way nice. Tsukishima knew everything now and he still wanted to be with him.

"Tsukki, take me home."


End file.
